June 2, 2010 – “Who are you?”

For those who didn’t know, I used to cover American politics for a living and being a fan of film, television and the stage let start by saying there is no greater theater in the world than a U.S. Presidential campaign. I mean come on, consider the plot—the stakes couldn’t be higher, the daily twists and turns through the battleground states, the scandals, the name-calling and of course constant polling (where else in the world can you get feedback from your audience WHILE you are performing on the grandest of stages? It’s Improv on steroids!)

One of my favorite (and incidentally one of the most famous) campaign moments actually happened during a VICE-Presidential debate (and no, it’s not the Quayle/Kennedy line from Sen. Bentsen, although that is a DARN good one too). Actually, the one I am talking about occurred on October 13, 1992 when General William Stockdale infamously opened the debate by saying, "Who am I? Why am I here?" Initially, the rhetorical questions drew applause from the audience, seeming to be a good-natured acknowledgment of his relatively unknown status and lack of traditional qualifications. However, his unfocused style for the rest of the debate (including asking the moderator to repeat one question because he didn't have his hearing aid turned on) made him appear confused and almost disoriented.

I mention this because it’s important to know “who you are.” For most of us there are at least two or three “us” amalgamated into one. There is the public “us,” the person we show the world-at work and at play. Then there is the private “us” the person we are when we are with our family and close friends, and for some of us there is a third “us,” the person we are when are by ourselves, alone with only our thoughts to guide us. People who are comfortable with themselves and truly can answer the questions “Who am I and why am I here?” with confidence are home free. I would venture to guess they have only one “us.” Meaning they are the same regardless of who they’re with or where they are. Remember any constant in life is hard to come by; something that can be counted on time and time again to perform consistently is indeed a rarity.

The personality “chameleons” are much more difficult to gauge. Randomness by its very nature encourages chaos and leads to uncertainty. The now famous Forrest Gump quote comes to mind, “Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get.” Well, that may be fine for chocolates, but it sure ain’t for friendship. The question is this: Can friends who “change” truly be counted on? True friendship isn’t for the fickle or faint of heart, it’s for the dedicated and devoted. People come in and out of our lives for a reason, those who pitch a tent and stay… those are the ones we should make sure we work hard to keep.
Friendships should be treasured, held precious, as they are apparently more valuable than gold. According to a 2006 study by the American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since the mid-eighties. The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two. Friendship it seems is a dying art, or at least on life-support.

It’s said the best time to make a friend is when you DON’T need one and the quickest way to lose one is to be dishonest. Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart is the mark of true friendship. All of this takes me back to my point-in order to be a good friend you first have to know yourself, to be yourself and be willing to give yourself freely. As the great warrior/philosopher Sun Tzu once wrote, “Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.”

This brings me back to our story’s protagonist, Admiral Stockdale. He most definitely knew who he was-a highly decorated Navy pilot who inspired fellow prisoners of war in North Vietnam and later ran for vice president. Now I know Stockdale's name has become a buzzword in this culture for a doddering old man, but that’s not what the record SHOULD reflect. He taught philosophy at Stanford University, and was a brilliant, sensitive, courageous man (he passed away in 2005). And yet he committed the one unpardonable sin in our culture: he was bad on television (a thing or two I know something about). In one quick moment, his public “us” or persona tarnished everything else about him, transforming him into the butt of jokes from late-night comedians. If it can happen to him it most certainly can happen to you. Leave the “us”-s behind and become ONE with yourself. Don’t put yourself or your friendships at risk because the mask or appearance you present to the world gets in the way. Take the mask off, and just be yourself.