December 31, 2009 – “It’s a Small World After All”

After my not-so-tearful goodbye, things immediately got better starting with a very helpful United Airlines check-in attendant helping me with my four huge pieces of luggage. (Seriously, my golf bag was so big I could have been hiding the body of Jimmy Hoffa in there. Who by the way might finally get a proper burial when they tear down the old Giants Stadium at the Meadowlands in New Jersey and find his corpse beautifully preserved in the concrete.)

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worst when United reverted to type and promptly lost my carry-on bag. Now, I am sure you are wondering how can a carry-on bag get lost, when you CARRY it onto the plane? Inexplicably, these sorts of things always seem to happen to me, especially when luggage is concerned. Here’s proof, I am the only person you will ever know that lost their luggage while flying on the private jet. Somehow my bags got sent with some executives headed to Mexico for a corporate retreat, while I went to off with the CEO to meetings out in Silicon Valley. Well, at least my Samsonite enjoyed a few killer margaritas while I was bored off my butt in San Jose.

Now back to our story, anyone who has watched the evolution (and I use that term loosely) of plane flight in this country over the past 20 years can remember the first time they boarded a “commuter” jet. Simply put, it’s a vehicle that a few Smurfs and most Garden Gnomes (they do have those tall red cone hats) would have to bend over to enter.

So now that we have established they are SMALL planes, you won’t be surprised to find out you can’t so much as store an iPod in the overhead bins. Therefore, anything larger than a plus size tampon has to be checked and stowed in the cargo hold under the plane.

Here is how the whole process works—a gate agent walks around the waiting area before boarding begins handing out little green luggage tags. My fellow passengers received these little items with all the enthusiasm one might muster up for a pink slip from HR. Attach it to your carry-on bag, rip off the matching stub (which I almost didn’t do, but this would become critically important later) and then carry it down to the end of the jet way for a baggage handler to retrieve and place in the belly of the flying metal beast.

Touching down in Chicago a mere 45 minutes later, my bag was nowhere to be found and let me tell you I was PISSED. Once again, how can you lose a goddamn carry-on bag?